I started out with the dreams and the plans of a wise man, ended up with the heartaches of a fool.

As a boy I walked through the valley and gazed at the world all around made a vow that somehow I’d find fame and fortune

I found it look at me now

I had sweethearts who would love me forever, but I didn’t need them; I would reign all alone.  Look at me, I’m the king of a cold lonely castle
the queens of my heart are gone.

Get around me, you fools, for a dollar listen to me; a lesson you’ll learn
well there’s hapiness and love sent from heaven above and the fires of ambition will burn

Started out with the dreams, the plans of a wise man, ended up with the heartaches of a fool.

I’m tired.  Real tired. 

I’m so tired of myself
I’m tired in my sleep
I’m so tired of my lies
I’m tired of the secrets that I keep
I’m so tired of looking inside myself
Trying to find something
I’m getting tired

And I know I need something
Because the grind is burning me out
I don’t want to hurt one of them
But I’ll do it
I’m getting tired

I’m so tired of the things that I hear
I’m so tired of the things that I fear
I’ve never seen the end so clear
I’m getting tired

I know I need something to make me live
Because the grind is pounding me down
I don’t want to kill one of these walking insects
But I’ll do it
I’m getting tired…real tired.

I woke up this morning, looking up at the celing, and I just wanted to scream, as loud and as hard as my throat would allow.  I wanted revenge for the day, the day when I just gave up, because apparently, that is what happened, even though I never really realized it.

As I sat on my balcony, not long ago, drinking some 100 proof concoction mixed up in store bought lemonade, I found myself just looking out into nowhere.  There’s just no excuse.

My behavior over the years is just getting to be too much.  I could just let it go, just let every day be like the one before, but at the end, I feel cheated, more importantly, I feel like I cheated myself.  Trying so hard to win, but just screwing myself royally, and not even caring.

Marie’s sister called me yesterday, upset at how I reacted to her sister’s engagement.  I had no right to say what I said, I knew that before her sister called me on it.  She knew I had no intention on being with Marie, I had no intention on finding her, staying with her, being that person who would bring something to her life.  My selfishness wouldn’t allow for that.  I knew it, but if I admitted it, then I was admitting to myself that I would rather people be unhappy as long as my ego was well-fed.

I am a villain.  And I am self-deluded.

I am realizing all of this, and I don’t know if I want to change, or if…I don’t know.  I am beating myself against the rocks to be successful, and that scares me, because if I am who I am, then what will I be with money and influence?  Will I try to make people suffer because they aren’t making me happy?  Will my jealousy and hatred of other people’s happiness cause me to ruin people?

When did the things that I want in life become wrong?

I’m gonna wrap this up now, go outside and have another drink, I don’t expect this to help, but…


3 responses

  1. i think step 1 of any plan you decide on should be “STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF”
    got it? 🙂

    August 13, 2004 at 11:08 pm

  2. mm, i agree. though the bits about having given up, as well as being fixed against letting things go confuses me..and from what i know, as long as you’re around when the shit hits the fan, being jealous of someone else’s happiness isn’t a crime. if you could feel a little more confident in yourself, find a little more happiness in your life then i think things would be different..how you’d go about that, i don’t know. but i don’t think it’s about intrinsic evilness 🙂 pfft..*hug*

    August 14, 2004 at 3:22 am

  3. I think you’re deluded about being a villian.

    August 14, 2004 at 11:33 pm

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