Well, my last weekend here has come to an end, and I now need to get my ass in gear and start packing, cleaning up my car, and tying up all loose ends in terms of bills and other stupid shit.  Left my Debit card in an ATM machine Saturday night, but it was sorta ok, since no one snatched it, my account is ok, I just can’t freely spend money for 7-10 business days, which means that buying books for this semester will be a bit of a whore.  Anyway, on with the show…

The Closer I Get To You…The Farther Away I Want To Be.

I woke up pretty early this morning, and it happened to be a beautiful morning at that.  I sat back on one of the plastic adirondack chairs, and just stared at the sun come up full.  It made me think about things, and that is why we’re here today…

When’s the last time you woke up next to someone?  Or better yet, when is the last time you woke up before the person next to you?  Did you look at them?  Did you take a second to look at that person and think about all the reasons why you wanted to be next to that person?

A lot of the time, it has little to do with them, and more to do with you, which is not nearly as wierd as one would be led to think.

I, like so many people, have had attention issues, meaning that I need constant attention, well, not really, but close.  Now one of those needs, is the need for companionship, which is a need of many, sure.  But, beyond all the psychological implications, it also means that I enjoy people a bit more than most.  Especially the subtle nuances of people, and in my case, women.

My problem is that I never spent enough time waking up with one person, for me, it was multiple people.  One morning, it was Adia, the next morning, it was Brooklyn, and another morning, it was Wanda, or Tiffany, sometimes all in the same week, or month.  I watched them all though.  Not in a stalker or wierd way though.  I just would like to wake up and look at them for a minute, because believe it or not, this is about the most honest you can catch a person…ever. 

I have always been facinated with the concept of closeness.  I can remember what it’s like to wake up next to someone, especially if you care about that person a great deal.  I didn’t love every woman I ever slept with, but they were all there for a reason.  To make me feel loved.  That was my selfish motive, but an honest one from me.  There is nothing that matches the warmth from someone else who you want to be there right then, at that time. 

If you really care about someone, you can also learn to live with their sleeping habits.  I’m self-concious, because if I am knocked out, I will snore.  One of the Tiffanies, a more recent version, would never let me sleep with her very much because I would come over after one of my all night shifts at the Library, and of course I’d be so tired, I would snore like a beast, something that pissed her off royally.  I always thought it was funny, at least with her, because me snoring in her ear was a way to get back at her for treating me like shit.  However, with other girls, especially those I give a damn about, I would sleep lightly, because then I wouldn’t snore…as much.

Sleeping with someone means you have to accept their quirks, that is, if you want a peaceful night.  Adia always wanted to sleep behind me, something that took getting used to, since I felt like the chick, sleeping that way.

Aletha used to snore like a dog being choked, and then would argue in the morning about never EVER snoring.  Lying bitch, I had to tape her at night to get her to shut up.  (I only call her a bitch because she cheated on me multiple times, even once while I was waiting in the car for her…I can laugh about it now.)

A previous version of Tiffany would make me sleep behind her and have me stick my hand under her shirt to cradle her boob.  I know that doesn’t sound all that bad, but I became locked in a death grip with her, and god forbid ever having to get up in the middle of the night having to take a piss.

Adia would always with her face towards me, and I don’t care how fine you are, morning breath is always a bitch…jesus.

Wanda would fart in the bed…loudly.  Of course, she was one of those people who would deny it, but all I know is that I had to vent the bed (swing the sheets up) in the middle of the night after one of her ass attacks.  If I ever wanted to know what hell smelled like, all I would have to do is lift the sheet.  The ironic thing is that I got blamed for it most of the time.  Lucky me.

But, for all their differences, I was the same, at least in terms of observing.  Something about watching the sun slip through the blinds and touch their hair or face did something to me.  How can a person be anymore innocent than when they are looking like that?  After a minute or two of gazing at them, I would always stare at the celing for a little bit and sometimes I would even smile.  It was nice having someone next to me, made me feel viable.

However…there was always one question that floated around my mind.  Would I always want this?  It takes alot to let someone into your personal space on a consistant basis.  I began to find that the more someone slept over, the less I wanted them to.  Absence always makes the heart grow fonder, that is without fail or without question.  So how do married couples do it?  Now we get to the point.

Do you or can you love someone enough right now to concede your personal space to them on a constant basis?  I think that is the one question that people don’t ask themselves and each other enough.  Liking to fuck someone all the time is a world of difference between sleeping with them every night and dealing with them tossing and turning, farting, snoring, and all the other things you don’t like, so is it worth it?

That has to be an open-ended question with an open-ended answer.  Sometimes, I wonder how many marital problems find their base in the bedroom. 

The reality is that people need people, I don’t care who you are.  We don’t need people 24/7, but just enough to feel something real, or even fake, maybe something inbetween. 

So the next time you wake up next to someone, ask yourself what that feeling means to you, or if there is any feeling at all.  What you find out will surprise you.

“So you’ve been broken and you’ve been hurt
Show me somebody who ain’t
Yeah, I know I ain’t nobody’s bargain
But, hell, a little touch up and a little paint…
You might need something to hold on to
When all the answers, they don’t amount to much
Somebody that you could just to talk to
And a little of that human touch
Baby, in a world without pity
Do you think what I’m askin’s too much
I just want to feel you in my arms
Share a little of that human touch
Feel a little of that human touch
Give me a little of that human touch”


11 responses

  1. Yes, last year I was going through some pretty tough stuff and then I met Shawn and he changed my life. Love seems to be a similar cycle for me and for once, I just wish it would stay steady and true. I’m not giving up hope though.  I liked what you wrote and that poem in the end….yeah, I could use that human touch right about now.  Those that have it day to day should never take it for granted.
    Take it easy 🙂

    August 23, 2004 at 12:23 pm

  2. Good points you made there. You know it’s true love when you deal with the fart bombs by laughing, deal with the snoring by holding his nose until he turns over, and he learns to deal with your morning breath by only hitting it doggystle before 8am. No, j/j, but your post is right on point.  

    August 23, 2004 at 12:39 pm

  3. *Sigh*
    True… all of it.

    August 23, 2004 at 1:45 pm

  4. Anonymous

    If the bed is big enough, you can both have your own personal space, to an extent. And I don’t care if he farts or has morning breath or snores, because I do it too. Part of love is forgiving all the smelly things and learning to sleep through the snoring, just because you love sleeping in that person’s arms.

    August 23, 2004 at 6:32 pm

  5. Anonymous

    You know, their bed-habits never really bothered me. One would snore fit to wake giants, but I’d just give him a dig in the ribs.  Apparently it was ME who snored, talked and ground my teeth. It used to drive my boyfriend mad. I’m deaf as a bat and sleep like the dead, so they could be having wild orgies with the neighbours for all I knew…
    But yep, I do take a look at him across the pillow, and always have done… I wake up first, usually, and it’s nice to just spend a few minutes admiring the scenery 😀

    August 23, 2004 at 7:09 pm

  6. Hmm…I rarely wake up first.  But I am usually the last to fall asleep, and I’m not scared to admit I do take that shit for granted.  Once again, you make me think.

    August 23, 2004 at 11:34 pm

  7. happy birthday!! 🙂 unless i’ve got it completely wrong, but i’m pretty sure it is..so happy 27th, hope it’s a good one. you’re getting ooold 😉 and personally, this is fairly out of context but i don’t like sharing a bed. i get incredibly anxious and paranoid about all those things you listed and the weird things i must get up to when i’m deep in slumber..haha. basically, i think i’m going to end up in one of those couples who have to sleep in different rooms..which i’m good with. benefits of nightly visits and the comfort of your own damn bed should you choose it.

    August 23, 2004 at 11:36 pm

  8. Reading your entry was like living my life, except for the fact of waking up with a fair amount of different people.  But, when the chance did come, I always worried about certain things like “oh shit.. I didn’t shave my legs today… is he going to get grossed out by that?”, “I know I snore.. what if I fall asleep before him?  Am I going to wake him up with it?”,  “I hope I don’t drool on him to much.”  (lol).  But, then you have the “little moments” such as watching them sleep… whether you fall asleep last or wake up before them… that’s the biggest one, but everything you said.  I don’t want to completely recite your whole post.  Being the romanticist (sp?) that I am, I love it when a guy falls asleep in my arms on the couch or something.. but then I like to feel them holding me too.  What are you going to do??

    August 24, 2004 at 1:09 am

  9. Anonymous

    I apologize I did not read much of your page yet but in response to your comment on my page … you should get back to Austin very soon.  It is changing so much and is always in need of educated well spoken people.  Enjoy your week!

    August 24, 2004 at 2:49 am

  10. “A lot of the time, it has little to do with them, and more to do with you” .. isnt that (on a certain level) what love is all about..? we love someone cause of the way they make us feel about ourselves… i do believe that love is selfish.. we love the image of ourselves we see in their eyes..
    as for sleeping next to someone.. well cause of society and a personal vow that i made to myself years ago.. that’s not going to happen until i’m married… and maybe i romanticise it all because of the lifestyle that i’ve led so far.. but i think that once you reach that point in your life where you are willing to make that commitment… it won’t be an issue really.. it’ll just be a part of all the things that come together to remind you why you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.

    August 24, 2004 at 2:52 am

  11. Maybe the pictorial was based on what the original Olympians were fantasizing about during the games.
    Your post is very well done. It has been so long for me that I can’t imagine kicking my Scooby Doo stuffed animal off the bed for another person.

    August 24, 2004 at 9:42 am

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