Yes, so here we are, Monday night, and I begin to fulfill the promise I made Thursday night.  Of course, life delivers obstacles, and as that is the case, my own computer is giving me fits because of some worm currently preventing me from using Internet Explorer.  So, because of this, I have to do updates from other computers, which makes things slow in coming, mainly due to my current schedule.  But despite all of that, a promise is a promise, even if some of you think it is gonna be hard to keep…lol. 

Today’s Column is dedicated to blondie_ceecee, who is feeling a bit under the weather due to recent events.  Show her some love if and when you get the chance…

“What you lookin’ at? You all a bunch of fuckin’ assholes. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way!”

Long title, huh?  It speaks towards something though.  Some days I do feel like the bad guy…because I am a man.  Being a man is something more than just what you see on the surface.  Some people would have you believe differently though. 

Have you ever wondered what would be going through the head of someone who was doing something wrong, and I know that wrong has many different meanings, so I’ll keep it specific at this:  When does it become wrong to balance your feelings against the feelings and emotions of others?  Where is the line?

I was in her bed and she was touching me.  When or where isn’t important.  The whole time she was touching me, and kissing me, I was kissing back, but I wasn’t really there, if you catch my drift.  I wasn’t there like she probably wanted me to be.

Six hours ago, she was telling me how much I meant to her, how I brightened her day. 

Two days ago, she talked to me all night on the phone.  She talked about her life, and how men had done nothing to her but wrong.  The last boyfriend she had left her for a whore (a literal hooker, call girl, what have you) without explanation.  She went on about her painful relationships, and I gave her the understanding ear I have given to so many women in the past.

She told me that she never wanted to be hurt again.

That thought resonated through my head as I saw her take her clothes off.  I laid on her bed and felt the lie begin to create itself and begin to seep through the pores of my skin.

For the most part, as I have gone on at length to describe, my life has been a lonely one.  More now than ever.  Sometimes, all I want, more than anything is to have someone there next to me.  Someone to hold, someone to feel warmth from.  I figure with all the shit I have gone through, I deserved it, it was overdue.

Is anybody right, if everybody’s wrong?

When we began to have sex, I forced myself to look into her eyes.  I made myself do it, because I had to realize the true cost of living a lie, or at least the beginning of one.  “She wants forever, you only want tonight…” was the though that coursed through my brain as we went through the motions.  I didn’t want to be her man, and I was indeed leading her on. 

Guilty, guilty, guilty as charged.

After it ended, my mind raced as she cuddled up next to me, complete with a serene look on her face.  I knew she wanted something that I had no intention of ever giving her.  I didn’t want her, nor did I want to pretend that I did, but like a horrid motor function, there I was…pretending.

So, dear readers, just how wrong was I?  I can tell you that it was never about sex as much as it was about being alone and having a void filled.  I needed to feel that way, I needed to know that I was still wanted.  I could never bring myself to tell her the truth, so she continued on as if I was right behind her, but the reality was that I couldn’t ever be any further apart from her.

Is love and lust like Capitalism, where someone has to lose to make the system work?  Where do my feelings end and others begin?  Was I wrong for even trying?

In my life, I have always tried hard to be the one who is better than the bastards who broke women’s hearts, but here I was, in bed with a woman whose heart I would have to break in order to preserve my own sense of pleasure and satiation.  It was never about the sex for me, it was about the moment, the feeling.  I got exactly what I wanted out of it just as she did, but the difference is that where I wanted temporary, she wanted permanent.

Honesty dictates that I tell her the truth in a situation such as this, but then would she see the truth, or her own anger?  What would any of you do?  I believe that we compete against ourselves for ourselves every waking moment of the day.  I hate being wrong, but I knew I was, I knew that what I committed was an act of selfishness, something amplified by my unwillingness to stop things before they became serious, even if it were one sided normally.

I have to believe that many other men pondered the same thing.  You may not believe this, but we do bleed, and we do feel pain, and we do regret.  The problem is that a man’s impulses lead him down the road of excess.

There are no right or wrong answers in the column, just polarizing issues.  There will be varying opinions across the board, and it is that notion that I respect the most.  

What’s worse?  Being led on, or not being wanted at all?  It is a question I face every day of my life. 

I know I’ve done some rotten shit in my life, but I never tried to hurt anyone intentionally.  That is what bugged me so much more as I layed down next to her.  I saw the train on its way to wrecking…and I didn’t care.

Do you have to strip off some of your humanity to really be human?


3 responses

  1. FINALLY 😛 good post. title was a little confusing though..
    besides the ridiculously self-righteous, i don’t think there are that many people that don’t consider themselves the bad guy once in a while..even if their definitions are a little different. i’m guessing you didn’t know this girl very long..but it sounds like she was doing a little emptiness-filling herself. someone who keeps getting screwed over learns to be cautious, right? it takes time to trust someone – or to know them well enough for them to fill the void..and it doesn’t sound like either of you gave it that chance. unless this is actually a long term friendship (which kinda makes more sense) which case, i hate to say it, but you did wouldn’t have been rejection, but respect for her vulnerability (assuming you explained your reasons to her).
    i agree though, that the mindset of the ‘wrongdoer’ is the key to the level of .. guilt. you weren’t trying to be malevolent. my point of contention was basically summed up in this line:
    “The problem is that a man’s impulses lead him down the road of excess.”
    I don’t doubt that men feel, but I don’t understand this uncontrollable impulse business, hehe..but it does come back to the toss up between your feelings and someone elses. the good/bad spectrum is very very long, and for every person you’ve tried to be better than, someone’s tried to be better than you. i may overrate the value of a guiltless/minimal guilt conscience, but i personally don’t believe that people should gain from what others lose..manipulation, taking advantage of others..i hate that people would even consider it. but since i haven’t really tested my own theories and seen them succeed, i may well be wrong.
    what would i have done? what i said earlier..stopping out of respect and concern for their vulnerability. i’m sure it’s hard. i’ve don’t remember ever having been in a situation this intense, but even my experiences have hurt. left me a little worse for wear, and regretful that i didn’t look out for myself and was forced to suffer for it. i used the guiltless conscience excuse, along with the ‘darkest hour comes before dawn’ idea that things would probably get worse, but it needed to be real to be acceptable. i don’t know if it works really..but it does help push away a few complications. hm.
    i think it’s worse being led on. it denies a person’s dignity and pride. not being wanted is (usually) a point of’ll pass.
    people compromise their humanity to survive..but eventually, the point of survival will be lost..become animals once again is an insult to evolution.
    this comment is three times the length of my post.. :

    September 7, 2004 at 5:01 am

  2. I would have to agree with elevate’s comments.  It definately is worse to be led on, but then again, I have to admit I’ve been guilty of leading people on many times.  I think it’s easier to lead someone on then to be completely honest.  That’s probably why it hurts more to be led on. 
    I think when your led on, you realize the person that did it took the easy way, and hurt you, vs, the harder way which is truth and in turn might hurt them more, by not allowing them what they are seeking.

    September 7, 2004 at 11:18 am

  3. I would like to commend you on your candor.  It goes without saying that the easiest route is appeasement…just making someone feel like they want to feel so you don’t have to deal with emotional side affects.  Not many people are willing to admit they’re guilty of this crime against humanity…but most people certainly are.  Some people happen to be victims of circumstance more often than not.  Let me use myself as an exmple.  I have a terrible view of men…I like them and all, but I don’t trust them.  While I have been lied to many times, its always the ones that REALLY want you to believe that they have deep-rooted feelings for you that just KILL A BROAD!  Wouldn’t it help men around the globe to gain ground in the fight for justice if they were honest and up-front?  I don’t think that I’m overly naïve, but I must say that I have been victimized in this very way too many times.   Damaged goods?  For my own sanity, I would much rather have been told that there was no interest…or at least purely sexual interest.

    September 7, 2004 at 3:34 pm

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