I didn’t sleep too bad last night.  Woke up this morning, and felt pretty good, all things considered.  I’ve been pretty happy as of late, but sometimes, when I’m not looking, depression wants to check in and see if I miss it.  There are some things I have to deal with when I go home this weekend, some people I’m not sure I want to see.  You know, that is what it is always about, your life is replete with either people you want to see, or people you don’t. 

Some people in my life plague me to no end, more memories that attack me in the middle of the night, because I know that there are so many issues ignored that are still lingering, waiting to be dealt with.  So what’s it all about, I mean really?  How can you go from bliss to piss?  That’s what today is about, and it’s dedicated to a couple of friends, chaoskitty, and NadjaIntensity, because sometimes we all get blown sideways sometimes, without ever knowing what it’s like to truly stand still…

Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?

What is it that we all need in life?  Why is it that the need to be recognized, cared for, and even loved always leads us into the darkest of places?  For many years, my life was just one big tragedy, waiting to happen.

When I fell in love, I was that passenger on an airline, feeling the turbulence, watching in horror as no one knew what was going on, seeing the wings rip off the plane, and then consigning myself to a most horriffic and painful fate.  Do you know what it is like to have your flesh melted off by jet fuel as you hurtle towards doom?  I’m sure that it is closely related to the feeling of losing someone when you did nothing to make that happen?  The plane crashes into the mountain, and all you are left to wonder in those last seconds is…why?

That’s a bit graphic, but it’s pretty close to center when it comes to losing someone you actually tried to care about.  But in all the carnage and remains of a relationship lost, you have to know one thing:  Because protecting oneself is the highest priority a human can have, it is in our very nature to be selfish.  I’m sure you already knew that though, because you have been on both ends of the selfish stick.

The problem to me is that sometimes we can carry over the pain of a broken relationship over to the next one, with even more disasterous results.  Did you have your arm ripped off in that last plane crash, well this time, you get to have your body melted into your seat, because pain on top of pain always equals more pain.  You think you got over it, you must be out of your mind.  It can be avoided for awhile, but then when there is a question, when that person does something that you don’t like or understand, the questions really come up. 

“What if they are like him/her? I don’t know if I can do all of that again…”  Uncertainty always breeds mistrust.

I have to believe that every relationship is different from the one before, because it has to be.  It has to be because if it is not, then you are just that unlucky passenger who seems to get on every flight that ends up going down in a terrible ball of flame, and if you believe that, then it is absolutely going to happen…

Sometimes, it is your fault…but even that isn’t your fault.

I don’t believe you can ever find any happiness unless you can honestly let go.  Let go of everything that harmed you before, don’t look at that new person like they were the last person.  You can’t punish someone for the things that they never did.  This is how you begin to find love.

If you have been treated badly by a certain type of person…STOP DATING THE SAME PEOPLE.  People are different, but situations never change.  If you are not the only one in that person’s life, the chances are that you will never be.  If you date someone who basically used you to cheat on someone else, what makes you think in a million years that it won’t happen to you?  90% of the mistakes made in relationships stem from the type of person they chose to start the relationship with.  You get what you pay for, but then you act as if you are really surprised when the other shoe drops, and make no mistake…that shoe will drop…it always does.

Life is absolutely a lesson, it couldn’t be any other way.  Life will knock you down, but it will never pick you back up…that’s your job.  Love yourself, protect yourself, but never shut people out…and never, ever let people tell you that you are worth less that you are.  People don’t fucking know, they always just guess, and rarely are they ever right.

Things will be ok, if you just let them.  I know, because eventually, things got ok for me too. 

I just had to stop waiting for life to pick me back up…


6 responses

  1. Are you in my head?

    September 28, 2004 at 12:48 pm

  2. That last part really hit me.  Seems Ty has ripped me apart today and totally told me the last 2 years were a waste of his time and energy.  Your right, he’s not right, I can’t give him that power.  i guess right now my job is to start protecting myself.

    September 28, 2004 at 3:41 pm

  3. Anytime love is involved, insecurity tags along.  It is what has led me to become an emotional disaster area over the years.  However, in order to truly move forward and appreciate what we have, we must find a way to look beyond the chance that our current mate could potentially be ‘just like the rest of the fuck ups’…I guess that leads us back to not giving up hope that there is a brighter future, and pretty much summarizes that ‘don’t look back’ thing.  That’s quite a title, by the way…

    September 28, 2004 at 3:48 pm

  4. All too true!

    September 28, 2004 at 3:49 pm

  5. you just give me the chills.  every girl must be so intimidated by being with you.  you’re truly one of the deepest men i know (and love).

    September 28, 2004 at 4:37 pm

  6. I’m sorry, but I refuse to feel sorry for some loser who cannot get it through their head that the people they’re dating are losers.
    Repeat the pattern, you’re asking for it.

    September 28, 2004 at 10:56 pm

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