“Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I – I do, don’t you think I do?”
There are the things that you can control, and those you can’t. I have never been a control freak per se, but at the same time, I can never trust anything I can’t keep a finger on. Such is life, and it is what it is. That is what Saturday night/Sunday morning’s brief tirade was all about. It was about me not being in control of my surroundings and knowing it. So much shit has gone on behind my back, and I have been ok with it until it was time to get down and actually deal with things as they had to be dealt with, so seeing Marie with the other guy, who by my determination and standards was very unattractive (compared to me, at least), so seeing that only incensed me more. The way I see it, if you are going to move on, which you have every right to do, move on with someone who looks better than me, not worse…I mean what the fuck?
Anyway, I put all that to bed when I woke up this morning, because it didn’t really matter in the large scheme of things. The reality, as I told myself, is that Marie is going to be gone, which is already is. Things were dead, and we had both moved on, something that when I feel wounded, seem to fail to remember.
Sometimes the things that hurt you can inadvertantly hurt other people. They catch the runoff of your bullshit, and it affects them, even though you don’t want that to ever happen. Collateral damage, I suppose, and moreso wholly unreasonable. There are things that are thought, things that are said, and things that are done, and usually in that order. It begins to complete a vicious cycle that only ends up hurting innocent parties
I often wonder if I deserve to be with anyone relationshipwise due to my tendancy to let things in my own life get out of hand. Alot of this comes from the fact that after Joy was killed, I never really let the women in my life get a fair shake, the chance that they deserved. Each time I dated someone new, things would be cool for awhile, and then slowly, but surely, I would set into motion the decomposition that would completely rot away the relationship. I changed my way of thinking on the issue over the years, especially when I made the hard admission to myself that the women that I dated during that time weren’t shit. Worthless human beings who lived in denial of their worthlessness.
As wise and as sage as I often pretend to be, I still find myself wondering if I even know what it is that I am doing. Do I feel too much, not enough? Am I so selfish that I can only attune to my own emotions? Am I a sociopath who feeds off of the emotions and words of others so that I can suppliment my own lack of personality or humanity? There are so many questions, and most of them are designed to defer the fact that I am just a normal person who tries to promote himself to be so much more in order to make up for the lack of true consistancy.
I just want to be rid of all of this doubt, these questions, and just be adored. Just accept things from others at face value and not try to rationalize all the goddamn time. I know it is possible, because I’ve witnessed it happen for others.
Being Hashim is a daily struggle, because I fight myself over and over again. Many parts of me fight for control of the total me, and not in a split personality way, nothing like that. It is me versus my ego, my pride, my desire, my passion. I have never been one person, and I have never been that which I should be. I live a life that is played by ear, and not nearly as structured as a 27 year old’s life should be.
I guess I wish I could just be the person that each of you see each time you come to read my words. I wish I could be that, and nothing more. Legend over reality, because then all of you would love me and there would never be any doubt.
Now doesn’t that paint a pretty picture?