By popular demand, here is the post that explains what I was talking about when it came to Tiffany #2.  I actually ended up speaking to her on the phone this afternoon (she beeped in while I was talking to someone else), truth be told, it wasn’t all that bad…Anyway, for your comic enjoyment, here is the bathroom episode of my night with Tiffany #2…


Friday, November 14, 2003

Let me tell you something about my life…

I am in a feeling mode right now, and it’s tragedy/comedy time at the House of Hashim, so please, settle in, because I have been fucked up on mushrooms and I have quite a bit to recount…

How did it all happen…where did it all go?

I have so many complexes about me, and some of it is funny, and some of it is sad.  Tonight was a normal night, except I was trying to go out to the bars and have what I thought would, or could be a good time.  And believe me, that isn’t much to ask overall, so what happened?

I had a pseudo date tonight, not a real date, because that would require me to have a girl that liked me more than “oh you’re cute”.  No, what this was is me and her going to the bars because our paths were going in the same direction, but then all of a sudden they weren’t because all of a sudden she didn’t want to go out anymore, and I was an asshole for making her want to go out, “so, Hashim, take your ass back to the dorm, shower, change clothes, and then I will go out with you, but I want you to know how much of a motherfucker you are for making me go out with you when you know I don’t want to go out, all I want to do is lay here and think about my boyfriend who is not here and is not YOU.” 

Did she really say all of that?  Nope, but I’ll be a motherfucker if she didn’t think it…

Anyway, here is where the deus ex machina comes into play…

I get back to the dorms and I do the shower thing, and I realize something…I have a chocolate cup which is also packed with mushrooms, and not the pizza kind.  I get all dressed up, and then I eat it.  Wow.  I wish I could simply keep eating…

We get to the club, and by then I am tripping balls, and I mean tripping hard.  the first thing I say when I get in the club is “wow, everyone seems so happy to be here…yay club!”, just like a fag.  What am I doing???

Well, the night was indeed a mixture of oohs and aahs, and then we get back to her place, because that is where I picked her up from.  Here is when things turned into a really bad Farrelly Brothers adaptation…

I sat there, in a real uncomfortable silence, because the girl is so unsure if she likes me, and it doesn’t even matter because in the course of 24 hours I will be laying down in a tent in cold ass weather, amongst nothing but white men with no booze or drugs to speak of, and she will be layed up with her big strong Garvey, all happy and warm. 

Who the fuck cares, right?

Anyway, back to the bad adaptation.  As we were sitting in the uncomfortable silence, I had to pee really bad.  As I had eaten some mushrooms, there was some bad shit going on in my stomach, so I was being mindful about that.  Now, I have a complex about using the bathroom in places that don’t belong to me.  If it is a guy, what the fuck do I care?  But it was a girl, and god forbid I take a shit in a girl’s house.  It’s just bad form.  So, I excuse my self to take a piss, a piss mind you.  So I go in the bathroom, and everything is ok, until I unzip.  All I wanted to do is take a piss, that is all…but no. 

So here I am pacing around the room, because I am in a conflict with my body because I just want to piss, but my body wants to do everything else, and I am not ok with that.  Yes, I was being a bitch about it, but what girl wants her pretty bathroom sullied by some guy taking a shit there.  It’s like 2 steps away from rape.  Remember, during all of this, I was tripping pretty hard on Mushrooms, so it became a real dramatic issue for me.  I had a vision of me going back in the living room, sitting down on the couch and simultaneously pissing and shitting myself in front of the girl, and then wanting to blow my brains out because of the horriffic embarassment.  This was not happening. My body was telling me that I was about to take a shit in this girl’s pretty bathroom whether or not I liked it.

So I did.

The whole time, I realized that I was away for quite some time, so there was no way I could play it off.  I mean how else could I explain 10 minutes in the bathroom?  No one pisses that long…EVER.  And to be honest, I had zero options for an excuse, I mean I couldn’t say that I was taking a shower, I couldn’t say that I was puking, nor could I say that I was masturbating.  The reality was that every other excuse I could make for being in the bathroom for 10 minutes and NOT taking a shit were even worse by comparison…then it began to stink, and I didn’t see ANY AIR FRESHENER.  I was getting paranoid.

I began to wave my hands around the room as if that would actually help.  In my drug addled mind, if I turned the exhaust fan on to get the smell out, the noise would be a dead giveaway that I was doing what she already knew I was doing…Oh fuck it.  I got up, washed my hands, and walked out, slowly.  At this point, I had driven myself to the point of insanity worrying about taking a shit in this girl’s bathroom, that I simply didn’t care anymore.  I was ready to bite the bullet.  By the time I got out into the living room, said girl was asleep. 

I woke her up to say good bye, and I got in my car and drove away.

Here I am now, and I am beginning to sober up a bit.  I am just now realizing just how stupid tonight, and ultimately this post really was.  Oh well, some things are so retarded, they bear repeating…

I guess when it is all said and done, I apparently just do shit to further my miserable existance, except I am not nearly as miserable now as I was when I let myself be tortured by the girl.  Damn, last year seems like an eternity ago.  So much has changed in my life, and dare I say, it has changed for the better…


8 responses

  1. You miserable shitting bastard.

    October 7, 2004 at 8:47 am

  2. OMG, I’m soo sorry but this was too freakin’ hilarious…  You made me think of Along Came Polly!  Good stuff, unfortunately I read it at work so I had to smother the snickers and snorts, ahahahaha!  Oh, classic line in the movie “dude, I just sharted!” 
    Anyway, next time you’re in that predicament, just remember to flush as you relieve yourself.  It’s better that they hear the two or three flushes as opposed to catch a whiff of something upleasant when you exit the bathroom. 

    October 7, 2004 at 9:31 am

  3. Anonymous

    As I am sure you know your page is popular and highly amusing.  I admit I began to catch up on the last week of entries, being that I have not been at home long enough to do anything other than shower, and I actually got up to get a cup of coffee to settle in for a few minutes of reading.  Turned on some good ol’ school Outkast, because I have had Millenium stuck in my head for some inane reason, and just read.  You are a very expressive.  I like it. 
    The stories are great.  Makes me wonder if you are misunderstood by people.  Those who actually have thoughts deeper than “damn she’s hot” are typically misunderstood and run over.  Girls don’t expect guys to be in-depth.  Especially to the level that you are on. 
    Sad truth is …. women are evil.  Not all, same as not all guys are assholes, but a high percentage of women are malicious. I do not support my own kind they are on their own with the mind games and drama. 
    I truly hope you find one of the understanding, kind hearted ones soon.  Balance out some of the uncentered women in and out of your life.

    October 7, 2004 at 10:31 am

  4. Hahahaha…yeah, what she said…I hope you find one…

    October 7, 2004 at 10:37 am

  5. Hahahaha, you know ex has a bad thing about making you feel *the urge* too. Back in my partying days I have been known to call one of my best girlfriends in the bathroom with me (because ex also makes you feel all lovey dovey and wanting companionship) and sitting on the toilet for hours talking and talking and talking until your ass cheeks fall asleep and still in the end you have done no doo. Drugs make us do silly shit man (no pun intended)

    October 7, 2004 at 2:31 pm

  6. Anonymous

    Interesting story, quite the dilemma you were in. Well its good that she was knocked out anyway, I think after finding her asleep I would have attempted to find something to knock the smell out.
    Thats the worse though, having to use some one else’s toilet to lay some bricks. LOL

    October 7, 2004 at 3:37 pm

  7. I bet no one noticed too.

    October 7, 2004 at 5:18 pm

  8. THAT is hilarious, especially the part when you get to the club and say YAY club! I’m wondering if this story is just so funny because I’ve shroomed before, or if it would be just as humourous to those who’ve never experienced the shrooms.. regardless it makes me want some!  My best shroom experience would have to be when I fell off the foot of the bed and got myself lodged between the bed and the wall, butt on the floor legs still on the bed, back against the wall.  I think I must have been there for about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to get myself up, my friends just sat there and laughed hysterically.  NOW I’m sure glad I didn’t have to pee at that moment or I would have been screwed!
    So Tiff#2 didn’t realize you were shroomin?  GOSH I know I’m insane when I’m on shrooms I couldn’t imagine someone sober hanging with a shroomer!  LOL
    Great story thanks for sharing!

    October 8, 2004 at 11:56 am

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