This week has been a week, you know? I remember someone telling me that none of this matters, and you know, I should have always been mindful of that, I mean come on, how do things like this ever workout with a reasonable outcome?
Sometimes, I just don’t listen…but I do move on…
Got a 76% on my psych exam, which was pretty good because I drug myself through hell to get that studying done. I have a french exam on Monday, and I need to spend some time studying this weekend.
I have a lot of shit surrounding me, some good, some different, and others, well…everything has a negative connotation applied to it based on a lack of many factors. This is something that has to do with me, so for anyone to take that which I just said and try to apply it to themselves would only be doing themselves a disservice, I promise that. Sometimes you have to have feelings for yourself, and to yourself. It’s like saying “This part is for me, and not for you, just for me, because I have to have things that are for me and me alone…”
I’m done for the week, and frankly, I am drained. I need to recouperate. Vacuum my room, wash my clothes and just lay in the bed. I don’t have to feel responsible for anything today, tomorrow or Sunday. This is me for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard, you know, intentionally overshoot the mark. I am me, and I like being me most of the time, but sometimes that spills over into the lives of others, go figure.
I just want to be happy, and I want others to be happy too. This isn’t a difficult equation, at least I don’t think so. What I think happens is that we are all so wrapped up in the shades of past unhappiness that we fail to recognize that what is in front of us is ok, and safe, or at least safer than we are willing to admit to ourselves. We are jaded by loss, by pain, by uncertainty. Hardened veterans we are all…Every day is on red alert, we are expecting the other shoe to drop at any time, even though the possibility of that actually happening is pretty low.
It’s too easy to pick a fight with yourself. What the fuck? But we have to push on…
In other words, it’s ok. More ok than you know. In the words of H.I. McDonough, “I’m ok, you’re ok, that there’s what it is…”
Now, in light of all of this, you can tell me how amazing or not amazing I am…I can take it.