I know it has been a few days, and frankly, I haven’t been there.
Things are truly tough all over, and they are the things that serve
only to deeply test me. I don’t know what to do except plough
ahead, I need that, you know?
People in my life come and go, and the ones who stick around are the
ones who usually end up suffering in a bad way. I should really
know better when it comes to this type of thing. I do it to
myself in order to free myself from the shackles of just being. I
have to be more. But more importantly, I need to be mindful of
the ones who were and are there for me now. I have to give
respect and everything else where it is due.
Like I said, I am in a tailspin. I have people who are trying to
come in, help me, and what do I do? I ignore them because it
isn’t on my terms. There are plenty of people out there who can
make me or help me to be a better me. Collaborators, associates,
friends. They seem to care more than I do, and I see it, and for
some reason, I am passive about it. I am at the helm of the stunt
growth. I am the hand that holds me down.
I should know better, but I don’t. I am slipping, and it
sucks. It isn’t about happiness as much as it is about
accomplishment, and the desire to be better off than I am right
now. I need to re-evaluate and prepare to make some decisions
that would break my heart, but at the same time set me free to do the
things that I really need to do, at least on paper.
Have you ever loved anything? And when I say that I don’t mean it
in a person based capacity. I mean love something, something you
do, something that you are a part of, something that for intents and
purposes defines you as an individual, that provides identity where you
feel there was none. See, I have that type of love in my
life. I have that thing which motivates me…that thing is Union Board
. It’s a huge part of my life, and I am getting plenty of things
done there, the problem is that it is hurting me, or I am letting it
hurt me. I am a man of position there, meaning that I am a man of
position on campus, which never ever hurts…But I am letting it.
I am letting my love and dedication for a position hurt the reason that
I am here at Indiana University. My term on the board of
directors of the Indiana Memorial Union is coming to an end, and I have
become so enamored with what I do, I want to run again. Now I can
do that, and the reality is that I will be elected again, but the other
reality is…do I need to do that knowing that my status in
class will suffer? Who knows?
So this is where I am at now. I do what I do because I love it,
and it exposes me to people that I need to know in life given my
desires for a career in representation or publicity in
I am split over so much in my life, and I feel nothing but
stagnation. I just need something to go one way or the other so
my life can move on correctly…