I know it has been a few days, and frankly, I haven’t been there. 
Things are truly tough all over, and they are the things that serve
only to deeply test me.  I don’t know what to do except plough
ahead, I need that, you know?

People in my life come and go, and the ones who stick around are the
ones who usually end up suffering in a bad way.  I should really
know better when it comes to this type of thing.  I do it to
myself in order to free myself from the shackles of just being.  I
have to be more.  But more importantly, I need to be mindful of
the ones who were and are there for me now.  I have to give
respect and everything else where it is due.

Like I said, I am in a tailspin.  I have people who are trying to
come in, help me, and what do I do?  I ignore them because it
isn’t on my terms.  There are plenty of people out there who can
make me or help me to be a better me.  Collaborators, associates,
friends.  They seem to care more than I do, and I see it, and for
some reason, I am passive about it.  I am at the helm of the stunt
growth.  I am the hand that holds me down.

I should know better, but I don’t.  I am slipping, and it
sucks.  It isn’t about happiness as much as it is about
accomplishment, and the desire to be better off than I am right
now.  I need to re-evaluate and prepare to make some decisions
that would break my heart, but at the same time set me free to do the
things that I really need to do, at least on paper.

Have you ever loved anything?  And when I say that I don’t mean it
in a person based capacity.  I mean love something, something you
do, something that you are a part of, something that for intents and
purposes defines you as an individual, that provides identity where you
feel there was none.  See, I have that type of love in my
life.  I have that thing which motivates me…that thing is Union Board
.  It’s a huge part of my life, and I am getting plenty of things
done there, the problem is that it is hurting me, or I am letting it
hurt me.  I am a man of position there, meaning that I am a man of
position on campus, which never ever hurts…But I am letting it.

I am letting my love and dedication for a position hurt the reason that
I am here at Indiana University.  My term on the board of
directors of the Indiana Memorial Union is coming to an end, and I have
become so enamored with what I do, I want to run again.  Now I can
do that, and the reality is that I will be elected again, but the other
reality is…do I  need to do that knowing that my  status in
class will suffer?  Who knows?

So this is where I am at now.  I do what I do because I love it,
and it exposes me to people that I need to know in life given my
desires for a career in representation or publicity in
entertainment.  Ugh.

I am split over so much in my life, and I feel nothing but
stagnation.  I just need something to go one way or the other so
my life can move on correctly…

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5 responses

  1. When there are too many pots on the stove, nothing gets cooked all the way through.  You have the capacity to do all of the things you want to accomplish…I see it everyday, and it’s part of the reason that je t’aime…  I really am feeling better.  The Barprah loves you, that I know, because she just won’t stop telling me.

    October 20, 2004 at 9:05 am

  2. Trust your gut instict.

    October 20, 2004 at 9:09 am

  3. Some times you can over think things. If running for board of directors is some thing you love to do then you should go for it. I miss being a girl scout leader & shouldn’t have quit to go to college. Granted I thought I wouldn’t have enough time to do it, but you can make time. Some how I held down 2 part time jobs and went to school full time. I have faith that you will make the right decision for yourself.

    October 20, 2004 at 11:14 am

  4. I would say if your this torn over this than it shows you should continue to following your passion.  I know if your grades suffer, that is a bad thing but if your concious of it, then maybe they won’t suffer so much?  I honestly can’t say I’ve been part of anything that I felt so passionate about.  I sure wouldn’t walk away from the feeling you described.  Live life to the fullest and enjoy yourself as much as you can!

    October 20, 2004 at 1:56 pm

  5. Anonymous

    If you love the Union Board, run for it again. Your grades may suffer, but as long as you graduate (unless you’d planned on being valedictorian), no one is ever going to give a shit as to whether you got straight A’s or if you were a C student. Grades will only make a difference if you plan on doing grad school, and I have no idea if you’re going to go that far. But try to work things out. There are few things in life that you will truly love – hold on to those things as long as possible.

    October 22, 2004 at 12:32 am

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