For the first time in a couple of days, the sun is actually
shining.  I can see it creep through the blinds of my humble
little dorm room.

Jesus Christ, I’m 27, and I live in a dorm room, where is the goddamn personal growth, huh?  Anyway…

It looks like a beautiful morning.  Gotta take time to appreciate
one of those every now and again.  It’s just necessary I
suppose.  It’s necessary, because I have a lot of things on my
mind.  Now this is a concept that many women don’t think can
exist, seeing as men are looked upon as selfish pigs who only look
forward to the next piece of ass, or the next sporting event.  Not
all that true.

I spend a lot of time thinking, just another of my annoying habits, I
suppose.  Every move I make is overanalyzed, even the stupid
ones.  I live under my own microscope, the only thing is that when
I fuck up, I never go out of my way to correct myself, I spend more
time ridiculing myself…because I have a tendency to be stupid. 
But that doesn’t matter…

What matters are the hearts and bones left in my wake.  Every
insensitive thing that I have ever done, every lie, every deception,
every shortcoming remains in my mind and heart.  These are the
wounds of a life led for the sake of adventure, I guess. 

Do any of you ever wonder what goes on inside the mind of a man? 
Do you ever look at him when he stares far off in the distance, while
you think he is simply ignoring you?  It sucks, let me tell
you.  For those of us who know in their hearts that the road is
going to take them away again, that all the love and stability will not
last forever, that all the peace and happiness is only a prelude to
some sort of pain, some sort of uncertainty.

You know, I have loved many women in my life, and all for different
reasons.  Some close, some far away, but the reality for me, the
harsh and never ending reality is that I never felt that I ever loved
any of them the way that they should have been loved.  I don’t
know why.  I have been capable, yet distant.  I disappear
when they needed me most. 

I left them behind.

It is rare when someone can look back that clearly.  It’s never as
clear when it happens, you just make the decision to go, to leave, to
never look back.  You do what makes you feel right, even though
you know it’s wrong.  I have been wrong too many times.  I
have always wondered if there was such a thing as too much, and if
there is, when will I reach that point in my life?

Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard to be a hero for someone else
without surrendering myself to those who would really take care of
me.  Is it just a thing, a quirk, a reason to continue? I know
that I am probably not making a whole lot of sense, but this is what
you get when I open up a window to my mind.  It’s this type of
thing that makes me who I am, full of doubt and regret.

I know I can never go back, those days are behind me, but I wonder
about what was left behind, or what could be left behind in the future
and it hurts me.  It hurts me because I see myself as the person
that I never wanted to be.  I never wanted to be the one who
disappeared in the middle of the night just because it seemed like the
thing to do.  I never want to be my father.  I never want to
be anything like him.  Everything about him was a lie, everything
he ever did was one more selfish move, leaving so many women left
behind, and for what?

Let me tell you, abandonment is easy, living with the memories can be a bitch.

Women don’t know what it’s like, all they know is the pain they have to
face and deal with because a man becomes restless.  Because they
are the ones left to clean up each and every time.  They are the
ones who have to cry themselves to sleep, or rage on about what was
wasted inside of them, when all they ever wanted to do was place some
sort of faith in someone who they thought would never betray
them.  All they wanted was love, respect, honesty…and all they
recieved was another layer of scar tissue over their heart.

I don’t really know where I am going with this.  Maybe
nowhere.  I guess this is just where my mind is this Sunday
morning.  All I know is that in this world, I want to do right,
because I am so very tired of doing wrong. 

I’m tired of hearing sobs on the other end of the phone because I haven’t done enough, or haven’t even tried at all.

 I’m tired of hanging on to the memories of ghosts long since passed. 

I’m tired of being more than I am physically and mentally capable of
being.  I’m tired of fighting the thoughts of disappearing
again. 

I’m tired of doing less than I know that I can. 

I’m tired of fighting myself and only hurting other people in the exchange. 

I just want to be all that is good, and fair, and right, and loving,
and altruistic in this world.  I’m just another demon trying to
find himself a second chance in life, but in order to truly do that, I
have to be content with what I have.  I have to take the things
that I have and cherish them like they never existed if I didn’t. 
I have to wonder about whether or not my desire for adventure is safe
anymore.  I can’t do what I want without really recognizing who
that will affect in the end.

I have to think more about how my arrogance affects other, but I also
still have to take care of myself, because if I don’t, no one else will
do it the way that I want, or deserve.  So I still walk on,
because I have to.  Hope surrounds me, and as long as the sun
shines in the sky, somethings in life will still have meaning…

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;

Or close the wall up with our dead.

In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man

As modest stillness and humility…”

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7 responses

  1. Am I allowed to understand exactly what you mean… and still be a woman?  I’m not the norm, that’s for sure.  I think this way.  I’m a girl.
    xoxo  Jess

    October 24, 2004 at 1:29 pm

  2. Just let it be, sugar…because loved and happy is how it is…

    October 24, 2004 at 3:20 pm

  3. Anonymous

    You said that women don’t know what it’s like, but I think you’re wrong. Most women may not know what that’s like, but I do. True, it’s not quite the same as what you go through, but I’ve abandoned people only to keep them as memories. I’ve made men (boys?) cry when I told them that I was leaving. And I often think of the shitty way I’ve treated some of those guys. My boyfriend is still friends with some of his exes, which is something I don’t have, nor wish to have.I think that everyone thinks this way to some extent at one time or another. Some of us just can’t make the thoughts go away. And those are the people who will forever be sad.

    October 24, 2004 at 7:25 pm

  4. Anonymous

    If you do come to Austin where will you be staying?  I would care to say I understand of what you are saying but for one it is a person ramble and two other girls said they understand ….. so therefore I will not indulge such thoughts.  I will merely ask you if you have a place to stay here and offer you a good deal at my hotel if you must stay in such an establishment.  Glad one of us can appreciate the sunshine even if for just a moment. 

    October 25, 2004 at 12:08 am

  5. You ass. He said Morrison…as in Jim.

    October 25, 2004 at 11:37 am

  6. I have been one of those women you speak of…Left cleaning up the mess and left with yet another scar layer. I do have a hard time trusting. Trusting my gut instinct. And I know with each new love…comes new pain…new awareness….but new meaning to the word. And for that I am grateful. At the same time, I am more cautious..which I should have been before. I only hope that I have affected my other as he has affected me for the rest of my life.

    October 25, 2004 at 4:44 pm

  7. Anonymous

    I really enjoyed reading this post. Thanks for creating it, and thanks for your comments. I enjoy hearing from you. I understand it, I mean it touched me in such an overwhelming way. The fact that you even rehash your past and care enough..to wonder how the people in your past  feel about you…I mean that is wondrous in itself. Thanks for having a heart, thanks for caring enough, thanks for examing yourself in such an intense way.
    I do the same, so its nice to know that there are others out there like me.

    October 26, 2004 at 3:35 pm

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