Hey everyone…

It’s been a full weekend.  One of those weekends that completely takes a second to test all the emotions in one way or another.  I was both happy and sad this weekend, and in retrospect, I wouldn’t change it for the world…

This weekend was lazy, but I was absolutely ok with that.  It made me feel that things weren’t so bad after all, despite what others might think or feel.  Wherever you go, there you are.  Funny how all of that works out.

You know, it’s important to take a good look at the people next to you, because sometimes you can see things in them that they cannot see in themselves.  I believe that everyone, good or bad, has something in them of worth.  That thought is set aside sometimes, because of what they were brought up to think, or the lifestyle that they lead.  People will tell them that they aren’t good for anything, or maybe they are too good for their own good.

People are perpetually misjudged, and it sucks.

In the course of 3 days, I have seen both the absolute best in people and the absolute worst in people.  To measure in aboslutes can be a bit harsh, I know, but at the same time, we are who we are under the masks we use to confuse others.  If you are wonderful, that will shine through, and if you are wicked, that too will also shine through, more than you can ever expect.

Someone taught me many things this weekend, and I can encapsulate it from this paragraph:

” Was it really true that one could never change? He felt a wild longing for the unstained purity of his boyhood–his rose-white boyhood, as Lord Henry had once called it. He knew that he had tarnished himself, filled his mind with corruption and given horror to his fancy; that he had been an evil influence to others and had experienced a terrible joy in being so; and that of the lives that had crossed his own it had been the fairest and the most full of promise that he had brought to shame. But was it all irretrievable? Was there no hope for him?”

If none of you are familiar with the story of Dorian Gray, then you probably should be.  It’s a silly little story, but yet has so much precience on the behavior of others who choose to reflect their madness upon other things or people.

To be beautiful is NOT something that we take for granted because of physical features.  The ugliness that exists in one’s heart or the beauty, for that matter will always shine through, and when it does, that is a truth that is always known and can never be avoided.  I’m sorry if I am coming off cryptically, but this is something that I absolutely believe.  I have seen both sides recently.  I have seen the true beauty that exists in people, and I have seen the horrid ugliness that is masked by the features and facades of beauty. 

Apply this to your own lives and see how it shakes out…if you dare. 

In the meantime, I will continue to languish somewhere between Heaven and Hell, close enough to feel the fire lick my soul, but never close enough to feel the total and wonderful caress of the angels. 

I exist because hope exists.  Believe that.

” Now that I can
Now that it’s easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I’m here
Now that I’m falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason ?

Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.

Now that I smile,
Now that I’m laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It’s now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I’ll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.”

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4 responses

  1. Thank you….
    Hannah

    November 15, 2004 at 2:04 pm

  2. Shit…so that’s why I feel so FUCKING UGLY??  Dammit!  I think about that all the time, my heart is black, and I know it to be true.  I am not the best person I can be…looks, I got em…personality too…but heart…there’s nothing, it’s just not pure.  I have made it my personal goal to change that.  Thanks for pounding it in a little harder, it helps! I’m glad that you made sure to enjoy your weekend even if it was full of ups and downs, and I’m glad you finally noticed me after 15 comments.  LOL  “LOSER!” 

    November 15, 2004 at 3:06 pm

  3. GOD is that a true statement.  I’m judged as a trouble maker, and some of my “sweet” looking friends are WAY more fucked than I could EVER BE!  It’s amazing!!!!  Or how about when you meet someone and right away you KNOW they are total bullshit, that the person they pretend to be is no where near who they are.  OR the friend that you may aquire that you like, but you just don’t trust all that much for some reason.. and you can’t put your finger on it.
    I’ve met many men in my life that I instantly fell in love with, then I got to know them.. and like you said… it’s amazing but the truth eventually does come out.
    I posted a comment on my site onetime that said, “If you have to lie to yourself to love yourself, do us all a favor and go kill yourself.”  🙂  (does that make me evil? LOL)

    November 15, 2004 at 5:46 pm

  4. Anonymous

    Thank you for what you said. It’s not consolation but it’s true, all the same. I wish I knew what Fate thought it was feckin’ playing at… Bah!
    What you said about true beauty and ugliness is right on. Trying to differentiate between the two can be a difficult task as they can blur into each other quite easily… I am engaged in a perpetual battle with my beauty vs my ugliness.
    Think Alien Vs Predator with make up and miniskirts.
    thanks again for stopping… it was lovely to hear from you.
    Lea

    November 16, 2004 at 7:38 am

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