I don’t know the point in my life where I decided to be everything to everyone. I don’t know when it all became about others over me. This isn’t me complaining, not by a long shot, it’s just a curious thing I deal with in my head from time to time.
I see selfishness all around me, but the thing that chaps my ass the most is that fact that these days, it seems like selfishness is rewarded so much more than it should be. I mean people are getting off on this sort of thing.
Anyway, some things last night made me think of an old friend of mine.
I have had alot of friends in my lifetime, some good, some bad, some useful, some not. I’ve had the friends who were totally benign, and some others who affected me to the point of not knowing anything else. People have touched me with their kindness, their compassion, and even their total and utter ignorance. But amongst them all, each one had a reason to be there.
So where does selfishness come in?
The events of last night reminded me of a girl named Erica. Erica was in my life for a short period of time, no longer than she really needed to be, if you ask me. I used to go out dancing with her almost every weekend. We’d sit at her place and shoot the shit, that is until one of her men came about. Yeah, “one” of. Because this girl had alot of them, and all at the same time. Was I one of them? Yes and no. Yes in that, hell, I was there when she wanted me around, and no in that we were more platonic than I would have ever wanted to be. See? Hashim doesn’t always get the girl, and it’s just as well…
Anyway, back to Erica. Erica was one of those people who knew their attractiveness could be used as a weapon. She used it like a gun, believe it. As I hung around her, I learned after a time just how lethal it could be. See, for me, it never worked like that. Erica treated me better than any of the men she ever fucked around with, because I guess that was the trade off. No sex, equalled a better and more true relationship, so I just got to watch the carnage for free…
One night in our lives reminds me of last night. Erica saw so many men that it was inevitable that two would cross their paths…and then the other shoe would drop. People, no matter how good they can be to some people, can be absolutely wicked to others. Two men showed up at Erica’s once, and the results were ugly, but what was worse is that she knew it was going to happen, and she did nothing about it…That’s where the selfishness creeped in, herself over all others…
Anyway, last night, I had a paper to write (which has yet to be written), but I was starvin out of my mind. I had no actual money, so I decided to call a friend of mine who I knew had some meal points. Michelle came and picked me up so we could eat, and by god, we did. I was stuffed. But I digress. After we left Foster Quad, she asked me if I wanted to go hang out with her and her friends, and it didn’t take me long to say yes.
We got to her place and waited for her boyfriend to show up so we could get into some spades. Michelle lives with two other girls, one of which is the reason I am writing this now. Dana was in a contentious relationship with a real shitbrick of a guy. The problem was, he wasn’t the only man in her life.
Apparently, she made the decision, or rather he made the decision to stay with her at this house, where all the girls live. Although Dana didn’t care, per se, she also didn’t want to be exclusive to him either. So anyway, he brings her all these things such as a big TV, DVD player, PS2, all that shit, and it’s real nice. Well, yesterday, Dana made the decision to no longer have him around. She did this by calling him, and telling him that she was bringing another man home with her, and he probably shouldn’t be around.
Who says that? I mean seriously?
Of course he took it poorly. By the time Michelle brought me over, this poor bastard was in the process of moving his stuff out. Dana also came home, and during this process, I was witness to one of the biggest melees I’d ever seen up close and personal. Obviously, since he felt slighted, the guy made the decision to take all his shit with him. Dana disagreed with that, so I got to see expensive electronic equipment get destroyed right before my very eyes.
Michelle and her other roommate were rapt with the whole debacle, completely enthralled, and me? Well, I just went inside and looked at the tv that was there and tried to drown it out, because like I had said, I’d been there before.
After Erica’s deal was over all those years ago, I stayed with her that night. I asked her why she would ever do such things, why so many men? All she could ever tell me was that she just wanted to feel the right kind of love, no matter how many people she’d have to go through to get it. Erica felt entitled, and never once stopped to think about who or what would be left in her wake. As a result, she only got more men in her life, ready to give her everything and anything to prove that they were the one, the best one for that matter.
Even this morning, after all the screaming, lying, and all things inbetween. It makes me wonder.
What is it all about?