I don’t know the point in my life where I decided to be everything to everyone.  I don’t know when it all became about others over me.  This isn’t me complaining, not by a long shot, it’s just a curious thing I deal with in my head from time to time. 

I see selfishness all around me, but the thing that chaps my ass the most is that fact that these days, it seems like selfishness is rewarded so much more than it should be.  I mean people are getting off on this sort of thing.

Anyway, some things last night made me think of an old friend of mine.

I have had alot of friends in my lifetime, some good, some bad, some useful, some not.  I’ve had the friends who were totally benign, and some others who affected me to the point of not knowing anything else.  People have touched me with their kindness, their compassion, and even their total and utter ignorance.  But amongst them all, each one had a reason to be there.

So where does selfishness come in?

The events of last night reminded me of a girl named Erica.  Erica was in my life for a short period of time, no longer than she really needed to be, if you ask me.  I used to go out dancing with her almost every weekend.  We’d sit at her place and shoot the shit, that is until one of her men came about.  Yeah, “one” of.  Because this girl had alot of them, and all at the same time.  Was I one of them?  Yes and no.  Yes in that, hell, I was there when she wanted me around, and no in that we were more platonic than I would have ever wanted to be.  See?  Hashim doesn’t always get the girl, and it’s just as well…

Anyway, back to Erica.  Erica was one of those people who knew their attractiveness could be used as a weapon.  She used it like a gun, believe it.  As I hung around her, I learned after a time just how lethal it could be.  See, for me, it never worked like that.  Erica treated me better than any of the men she ever fucked around with, because I guess that was the trade off.  No sex, equalled a better and more true relationship, so I just got to watch the carnage for free…

One night in our lives reminds me of last night.  Erica saw so many men that it was inevitable that two would cross their paths…and then the other shoe would drop.  People, no matter how good they can be to some people, can be absolutely wicked to others.  Two men showed up at Erica’s once, and the results were ugly, but what was worse is that she knew it was going to happen, and she did nothing about it…That’s where the selfishness creeped in, herself over all others…

Anyway, last night, I had a paper to write (which has yet to be written), but I was starvin out of my mind.  I had no actual money, so I decided to call a friend of mine who I knew had some meal points.  Michelle came and picked me up so we could eat, and by god, we did.  I was stuffed.  But I digress.  After we left Foster Quad, she asked me if I wanted to go hang out with her and her friends, and it didn’t take me long to say yes. 

We got to her place and waited for her boyfriend to show up so we could get into some spades.  Michelle lives with two other girls, one of which is the reason I am writing this now.  Dana was in a contentious relationship with a real shitbrick of a guy.  The problem was, he wasn’t the only man in her life.

Apparently, she made the decision, or rather he made the decision to stay with her at this house, where all the girls live.  Although Dana didn’t care, per se, she also didn’t want to be exclusive to him either.  So anyway, he brings her all these things such as a big TV, DVD player, PS2, all that shit, and it’s real nice.  Well, yesterday, Dana made the decision to no longer have him around.  She did this by calling him, and telling him that she was bringing another man home with her, and he probably shouldn’t be around.

Who says that?  I mean seriously?

Of course he took it poorly.  By the time Michelle brought me over, this poor bastard was in the process of moving his stuff out.  Dana also came home, and during this process, I was witness to one of the biggest melees I’d ever seen up close and personal.  Obviously, since he felt slighted, the guy made the decision to take all his shit with him.  Dana disagreed with that, so I got to see expensive electronic equipment get destroyed right before my very eyes.

Michelle and her other roommate were rapt with the whole debacle, completely enthralled, and me?  Well, I just went inside and looked at the tv that was there and tried to drown it out, because like I had said, I’d been there before.

After Erica’s deal was over all those years ago, I stayed with her that night.  I asked her why she would ever do such things, why so many men?  All she could ever tell me was that she just wanted to feel the right kind of love, no matter how many people she’d have to go through to get it.  Erica felt entitled, and never once stopped to think about who or what would be left in her wake.  As a result, she only got more men in her life, ready to give her everything and anything to prove that they were the one, the best one for that matter. 

Selfishness rewarded.

Even this morning, after all the screaming, lying, and all things inbetween.  It makes me wonder. 

What is it all about?


8 responses

  1. Maybe it’s about nothing.  Maybe we’re all destined to try and try and try to be happy and it just ends us up more motherfucking miserable.  Even after we think we’ve found happiness, WHOA, horsey…hold on…  There was a time in my life not so long ago that I was sure I’d found what I’d been looking for…however, whether it’s my selfishness or that of another, the misery is blinding.  Wouldn’t it just be so nice to fall in love and be happy about life for five fucking seconds?  I guess love doesn’t equate to any sort of happiness these days…

    November 17, 2004 at 11:51 am

  2. If you figure out the answer, let me know.

    November 17, 2004 at 12:19 pm

  3. Sadly, I believe myself to be way too similar to Erica…but in a more innocent way of course.  Or with the illusion of innocence I should say?  A friend gave me the selfish speech last night, and he was right.  I suck.  Erica sucks.  And you don’t.

    November 17, 2004 at 2:13 pm

  4. Anonymous

    I’d like to think of myself as unselfish for the most part.  I’m one of those rare people who will give up my own happiness (and be miserable instead) just so that someone else can be happy.  Break my heart, take all my money, do whatever you can to hurt me or inconvenience me or just generally make me sad – as long as it makes you happy. 
    Those who intentionally cause others pain are horrible people.  They must be miserable themselves in order to inflict such heartache upon others.  I pity them, but I’d also like to kick them.  Though we all can be selfish at times (it’s human nature), it’s just wrong to be selfish all of the time.

    November 17, 2004 at 2:43 pm

  5. Anonymous

    Sometimes I feel like being that way, but it is only due to a painful past – well one in particular.
    Sometimes you feel powerful when you can hurt others, but what you are really trying to do is cover up the hurt in yourself.
    My venture into this didn’t last long, because it hurt me to hurt them. It does seem though that some men appreciate you alot more when you are an ass, but as soon as you show your loving side..they figure they have you and don’t go through lengths to impress you with their tenderness capabilities. But these are usually the player types anyway, bad boyfriend material types.
    But karma is a bytch……it will come full circle, it always does.

    November 17, 2004 at 5:53 pm

  6. Interesting. I think everyone knows people like that and at a certain level we have a bit of the selfishness in us.  I, for example, despite my perfection, get a little bit of the “what about me?” complex every once in a while.  I feel that sometimes my attempts at empathy come across like selfishness.  Does that make sense?  For example, if someone is going through a tough patch, the only way I can console is to relay a story from my life.  I don’t know.  I think about that and wonder why I can’t stop talking about myself. 

    November 18, 2004 at 1:20 pm

  7. But is wanting to be happy really selfish?  If so, then I am also guilty of it.  The problem with me is that I am too giving.  I’m too nice, I’m too complacent.  WTF.  Perhaps that is why sometimes I end up getting hurt. 
    I see myself SOMEWHAT in Erica.  I sought the right kind of love and thought, well one will outshine the rest.  That was before I realized that I needed to just be ALONE for a while.  I needed to stop being “everything to everyone”.  Sometimes you have to let someone be everything for YOU.  That will essentially make you want to be everthing for that person.  Then maybe, just maybe, you might find happiness – even if it’s shortlived. 
    But really, what is it all about?  Is it about having someone to be happy?  Does it take having another to feel complete? 

    November 22, 2004 at 2:13 am

  8. bumped into your page and couldnt stop reading…
    hate to say it but I understand where these girls are coming from to an extent…everyone wants to have that “FEELING”…feeling of being completed, feeling of unconditional love or whatever…sometimes we just fail to see that sometimes when we look to hard, we see right past it..
    anyway…your a wonderful writer, thank you!

    November 24, 2004 at 11:01 pm

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