Goddamn, Mississippi, Goddamn…


You know, the holidays have been and will always be a mixed bag for me.  It seems like this is the exact time that the world ridicules you for being who you are, you know, if your life doesn’t fall square into the Coca-Cola pastiche of what the holidays are good for in terms of marketing.


What does that mean?


Not as much as you think.  I just hate what this time of year does to people, I hate the animus that it develops because you or him or her doesn’t conform to that idea of what you should be and what type of family situation you should have. 


I think of everyone who is in the same position.  To me, the holidays are just days we get off from our lives.  I’ve never had any other reason to believe otherwise.


Right now, I know that there are happy people, and there are sad people.  Personally, I fall somewhere inbetween, but it’s a comfortable spot, believe me.


As you read this, you are all, each and everyone of you are going through your own personal strife.  It sucks, believe me.  Right now, one of you is in love with the possibility of a new relationship, even though the demands that the new relationship brings asks that you let certain friends go…a raw deal to be sure.


Another of you has lost love in your heart, and at the wrong time.


Another of you has no clue that someone somewhere else is pining away for you, yet if that was presented to you, you’d probably not know how to handle it.


One of you just wants to be loved.


Another one just wants to be left alone.


Just maybe, one of you is pretty much oblivious to it all.


None of that makes any of you right or wrong.  As human beings, it is wholly impossible to be that way.  Our lives are so grey, and we hate it because shades of grey never provide the answers that we completely seek as individuals.


The upshot, at least for me, is that I had some awesome fish last night.  That was good for me.


“Awesome fish?  What the fuck is he going on about??”


That’s my point.  I dove into a small pleasure.  I didn’t have to save the world with that remark, nor did I have to be beholden to anyone because of it.  That was for me, and only me.  It was a pleasure, it made me happy, even for just a second.  See how that works?


If we just spent just a little more time feeling good about something, anything as opposed to hearing all the bullshit someone else wants to pile on you because their life wasn’t everything they wanted it to be, we would all begin the process of healing.


“The better you look, the more you see…”


We are all alive, just on different levels.  But in order to continue to live, we need to all come to terms and be at peace with who we are, it can’t be any other way.


So be loved


Be alone


Be satisfied


Tell him that you won’t give up your friends


Tell them that you are who you are and that is the way it will be, period


Wait for him, he’s coming


Get a clue, the world is not always at your beckon call, sometimes you have to show up for work too


Try to heal your heart.  Someone is always waiting to help


But most of all, smile…because somewhere, in some corner of the world, someone is completely in love with that smile.  Find love in the center of small pleasures, like the mystery chocolate that you aren’t sure has a filling but brings you a small sense of joy when you find it.


Eventually, we’ll all get that Christmas gift that is never purchased, but always wanted…


Selah!

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11 responses

  1. Anonymous

    I always wonder how you got so wise. We’re about the same age, yet you have so much more wisdom than me… or perhaps I just have trouble showing it.I’m glad your fish was good! Take pleasure in the little things, because the big things will usually turn to shit.

    November 27, 2004 at 12:47 pm

  2. Anonymous

    Exactly!

    November 27, 2004 at 2:38 pm

  3. mmmmm fish!  …ponce.
    xoxo  Jess

    November 27, 2004 at 2:50 pm

  4. Anonymous

    *smiling*

    November 27, 2004 at 4:12 pm

  5. thank you, sir,
    for writing such a wonderful post.

    the holidays are
    almost always
    a dark cloud for me
    -the moment where we search most fervently for
     warmth, perfection, validation.

    thank you for giving me a
    warm thought to pocket.

    November 27, 2004 at 5:55 pm

  6. Thank you…… hfarahan@indiana.edu (email me, I’m also on facebook)
    -Hannah

    November 27, 2004 at 5:59 pm

  7. You are correct… that is what ponce means.  However, I used it as a substitution for child molester.  So fuck you and your so called “definition”… I’ll use it however I damn well choose!
    Fucker.
    xoxo  Jess

    November 28, 2004 at 12:28 am

  8. you made me cry, god how your words just opened the floodgates all over again.  its strange that alot of the time i am writing in this diary to unload some pain and anguish, and i never really thought about how its unloaded on others…others that truly care that is.  everyone keeps pointing out everything i “have going for me” and when i hear it i do realize just how much i do have…but somehow, its just not enough, i wonder if there will ever be enough.  it makes me feel better that i am not the only one to go through this..yet somehow i feel more alone than i ever have before.  thank you for sharing.

    November 28, 2004 at 4:05 am

  9. You’re a pretty deep cat…Holly

    November 28, 2004 at 1:26 pm

  10. P.S. Hey I just read a few of your entries … I too need to get to South Bend to pay respects, small world.

    November 28, 2004 at 1:30 pm

  11. It really is damn good fish…glad it had such a profound impact on your weekend.

    November 28, 2004 at 10:32 pm

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