Seems I get to do one last entry before this miserable year comes to a crashing end…
I had a couple of moments today, kind of like karma checks, but what are you going to do, it was completely worth it, as if it were the first cup of coffee I had all day…
“Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test”
Last night the plans were to go to Piere’s/Cyb@r Club with Erick and maybe my nemesis Rich Money…but that fell apart quickly due to my phone not wanting to get a decent signal, leaving us to have an unintelligible conversation. I ended up at the smokehouse for a bit, but my mind was elsewhere…
I left the smokehouse after falling asleep, something which I have a bad tendency to do. I never really got that, but it happens. After making it halfway home, I got a phone call from someone I never thought I’d hear from at this time of the year.
It was crazy Tiffany #2, and I was really shocked. She didn’t want anything, just wanted to say hello and let me know that things were good in DC. She said that she had a random conversation and that I had come up. She had found, well by accident, my (female) best friend J. Funny how that works out. We talked about it for awhile, and for once I caught myself smiling, not because she was on the phone, or because they were talking about me, but because it was a completely innocuous type of thing. For once, someone talked to me with out motive, without caring too much or without contempt. Even if I had earned all of that, whatever, it felt nice to just talk.
Tiffany wished me Happy New Year and hung up. I couldn’t have asked for anything more that that.
I stopped at a gas station before I went home and bumped into another ghost from my past, this one far more distant. She hugged me and was all smiles. To tell the truth, I was still in a sort of shock, because the last time I saw this girl, she was explaining to me how she could never ever see me again.
I ended up following her back to Southbridge, where she now lives w/ her sister. (Goddamn, everyone lives where I live…) Last night was so decent out, the three of us ended up sitting out on the balcony, playing catch up like I have with everyone else. Her sister went to bed, and we ended up talking more.
I don’t know I guess I have been covering up being miserable for so long that to her, someone who was really neutral, I ended up just cracking. I mean I let everything out. And for the first time, probably since that day I was watching Big Fish, packing up my old dorm room from last Spring, I bawled like a baby. I’ve cried since then, sure, but not like that, no way. I could tell A was looking at me, trying to assess the situation of this person who just confessed a laundry list full of sins to her. Of course, she let me have it…
After being lectured about being a selfish idiot for an hour (the second such lecture this break), she told me what was wrong, and how I could go about fixing it. She told me that in my arrogance, I never stopped to think how other people would feel, and to that effect, I agreed wholeheartedly.
I ended up sleeping on her couch, completely drained, yet feeling somewhat cleansed. This morning, when I woke up, A and her sister took me out to breakfast, and brought me back to my car.
I guess in a way, last night was something that I didn’t expect, but was a long time in coming. I know I’ve done too little and too much, all at the same time. The truth of it all is that in reality, no one can really make me feel better about any of this except for me. 2004 was really not a very good year for me, and that is because I made it bad for myself. I recognize this now. I dug my own holes, and I never seemed to be satisfied with just how deep I had dug them. No one can be blamed but me.
With all that said, do I have any regrets? Would I change a thing? To be blunt…no. Everything that happened this year happened because I wanted them to happen. I only regret the aftereffects, people who got caught in my wake, and that is the long and the short of it.
I invested myself in someone who I had NO business being with. None whatsoever. I saw that part coming.
I also let someone become invested in me who shouldn’t have even tried. What a grotesque and dark situation that was. But it’s over now, as it should be. As it should never have happened in the first place. And yeah, I accept my lumps. Some people wanted me, some didn’t, that’s just the nature of things.
Life is not shaped by your accomplishments, they are shaped by your mistakes, and I know that more than anyone. 2004 was a piece of shit, but it has to be swallowed all the same.
I’m not making any New Year’s Resolutions, because there is no point in that. I will do this however: I will move on. I have to. I have to stop worrying about who thinks what about me. I have to stop trying so hard only to fuck it up in the end. I’m walking away from this year, and I am leaving alot behind, and taking a little with me.
I will accept that people will hate me. I can’t fight that, nor will I ever want to. I will also accept that I can’t always win, and that is the way of things.
I’m far from a perfect human being, and I am also far from being the monster you think I am. I’m somewhere in the middle, and I can live with that, even if you can’t. Period, point blank. I am guaranteed to have to wake up with me each and every morning, and now more than ever, I’m ok with that. I never hated myself. I thought I did. I just never spent enough time realizing who I am, just who I could be. That’s life. That’s MY life. Once all of you are gone, I’ll still have me, and I’ll still be me. Just with new adventures.
Folks, that’s what it is all about. I have lived through alot, and I am still living. Even if I am only alive for 5 more hours, I still have right now, and I have to be at peace with that.
And so it goes…
I do hope that all of you. Friends, lovers, enemies, and friends all have a safe and prosperous new year. You have to. You are not defined by the people who surround you, you are not defined by your successes and/or failures. People can shit on you all day, or they can put you on a pedestal. It doesn’t matter. If you aren’t ok with yourself, nothing will ever come good out of anything. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke…or reality.
So here’s to you, 2004. Rest forever here in our hearts. The last and final moment is yours, our agony is your triumph…
I don’t want 2005 to be wonderful, magnanimous, or even amazing…I just want it to be new…
“Pretty soon now you’re gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can’t trace time”